facebok + friends

So I deactivated my facebook account for the 15th time this year.   Sometimes I feel certain people shouldn't bother going through my pictures simply because facebook had made things more... stalker-ish?  

I think it was pretty selfish of me to end a friendship with someone by simply removing them off a friend's list.  It was cruel and unfair, and yet they eventually discover why they couldn't find me to comment on my birthday.  

I think this second friend whom I ended my friendship with didn't really see me as a friend, but as someone to use and do favors for.  It's been several months now and I do feel guilty.  The only thing that's keeping me from re-friending them is that I think we will eventually return to the state of "use and abuse" which I loathe so much before.  I always thought she was naturally manipulative in many ways to have people do things.  Wow, if I had the ability to do that I would be rich from upselling people!  Yet she was using that ability for the wrong things, especially in me.  I didn't like it.  I chose to be distant for another long while.

The first friend I regrettably ended my friendship with temporarily is considered to be even more distant.  Haha, I think in literal terms too.  I think about what I have done in the past though.  I was very immature, impatient, bold, demanding, pushy and needy much like Scarlet from Gone with the Wind.  He was very easy going and living every day for its moment.  Not a bit of worry went through his mind in exception of papers to write. 

At the time, I was ridiculously infatuated with him.  It was obvious.  When I like someone, really like-like someone, my mind is somewhere else and I forget important things like my bag or keys.  I don't know why.  It itches me every time I think I once had a crush on him, but now he has completely surpassed my time of interest.  Sometimes we don't speak in the same level of thought nor did he not know how to reply to certain things like personal situations.  Now I just seem some girl with problems.  A girl that is not normal with the rest of the world.  A girl who is insecure and not happy about herself.  I don't think I am.  I think my I was over my head back then.    Too bad we don't speak often anymore.  I think my other friends are better friends with him than myself.  Heh.  I think I'm a bad friend on my part for being selfish.

Well what do you mean I'm selfish, you ask?  I think I have some expectations out of a friend.  I kind of question their friendship.  Are you worthy of my friendship?  Sometimes I overlook bad qualities that you have including forgetfulness, lust or greed.  When you have qualities that I don't like it affects me in a way where I don't see where it's headed toward our friendship and then I just call it off.  Yes, I'm bad.  I kind of rekindle the friendship if they change somehow or if they are really persistent to stay as my friend.  Maybe I should be the one who should change.

It's late. I have class at 9 AM.   Off topic, but I think I want to play with my keyboard again.  My fingers want to dance on some keys.  We'll see about tomorrow after the Hikki event. G'nite.